Whilst for a lot of people Christmas is a time of joy and celebration and an excuse to get together with our friends and families, for others it can be really difficult. If you've lost a loved one, then Christmas can feel like the worst time of year, it can really intensify those feelings of loss. In this blog, I talk about dealing with grief at Christmas.
Speaking from personal experience, I always have a bit of a festive wobble. Christmas was (is) a big deal for our family, think the Griswalds only with a bigger tree and more lights and you'll be in the right ballpark. After the death of both our parents, my sister and I decided that we would deal with Christmas how we saw fit.
We had endless discussions about whether we should put our decorations up, whether we should go away or whether we should ignore the fact it was Christmas completely.
We decided to just go with the flow and do whatever we felt was right, so we did put up our decorations, including some of the family ones we'd had for years, we decided to still do some of the things we'd always done, but introduce some new traditions and despite many offers, we decided to stay home and celebrate with our cats and dogs. Turns out they were on board when it came to sharing a turkey dinner!
I won't lie, during that first Christmas, there were a few tears, but we also laughed too, a slight error meant that we didn't manage to recreate the beautiful Christmas table that Mum would do, instead we ended up with a unicorn tablecloth and Halloween crackers, because I couldn't find the Christmas ones (they turned up at Easter!)
But my point is this, don't ignore the fact that Christmas will be tough and you might not feel like celebrating and that's absolutely fine. You might not feel like celebrating for years and that's also fine, you should do whatever you need to do. Never feel forced into doing something you don't want to do.
There are many different things you can do, or incorporate into the day. It might be you want to visit your loved ones grave, or pay tribute to them by doing something they particularly enjoyed or just simply share many stories about them, then do that, you need to do what feels right.
There's no right or wrong, but here's some of my tips to dealing with grief over Christmas.
Factor in some "me time"
Whatever "me" time looks like for you, incorporate that into the day. You might want to have a mega lie in, go for a long walk with the dog, have a bath, read a book. Spend the day in PJ's eating chocolate and watching your favourite film.
Whatever it is that you need, then do it, it's OK to put your needs first.
2. Don't feel guilty.
If you want to spend Christmas Day sat in your PJ's eating chocolate and watching your favourite boxsets then do it, if you think going into work is the right thing to do, then do that.
Don't force yourself into doing anything you don't want to and don't let anyone else force you into doing something you don't want to do. If you don't fancy going on your works Christmas do or singing "Auld Lang Syne" with your neighbours, then don't do it.
3. Keep talking.
People mourn in different ways, so try and be respectful of others wants and wishes and talk openly about what is best and what you want and try and be sensitive to those wishes.
Try and make the decision as a family and come up with a plan that works for everyone.
4. Try a digital detox.
Technology is a wonderful thing, but sometimes it can be a bit overwhelming, whether it's a stream of messages from friends who are checking on you (which is lovely) to seeing pictures on Social Media of people with their families can sometimes get overwhelming.
Switch your phone off and to stop family and friends worrying tell them that's what you're doing, or arrange a time to chat to them on the day or at a later date when you feel ready.
5. Take it a Year at a Time.
You can celebrate Christmas however you want, so if immediately after your loved ones death, you don't feel like doing anything, then don't, but that might change as time goes on.
It might be the following year, you do feel like putting up your decorations or having people over then do it and don't feel guilty. Just go with how you feel at the time.
I can only speak from my experience, but I am by no means an expert and for some people, grief can be a debilitating emotion. Please, if you feel you need to speak to a professional, then there are a number of places you can get help. You could speak to your GP, or contact, The Good Grief Trust, Cruse Bereavement Care, Child Bereavement UK or The Samaritans.
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