One of the things you learn when you've lost someone is dealing with the firsts. The first birthday without your loved one, wedding anniversary, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's Day... the list goes on.
For me, this year will mark seven years without my dad and fourteen without my mum. That's a lot of birthdays not shared, Christmases that have been and gone, Mother's and Father's Day when we've had no one to buy for.
Does it get easier? I think if I'm honest, then yes it does, but I think that's because I now have coping mechanisms in place. I've also learned to recognise when I'm, starting to feel overwhelmed. Those are the years, I give myself a break, I just decide to do what I can cope with. I might decide to take the day off work, go for a walk with the dogs, stay off social media. Whatever I feel I need too.
Then there are those years, where I want to celebrate my parents and me and my sister will plan to do something that they would have enjoyed. It might be we arrange a spa day, go to their favourite restaurant, a bottle of their favourite wine or go shopping.
But with "the firsts", you don't know what to expect, or how you'll feel and whilst I am by no means the expert, I thought if I could share some of my own experiences, then it might help.
The first anniversaries are going to be tough, the things you normally did with your loved one won't happen in the same way. These could be birthdays, Christmas, wedding anniversary, the anniversary of their death.
Me and my sister took the decision that on our mum and dad's birthdays and the anniversaries of their deaths we would do something that celebrated them. It would just be the two of us and we would try and organise something fun, if one us wanted to have a little cry on the day, then that's fine too.
Christmas was a big deal for our family, so the first Christmas without mum, we decided to go on holiday, somewhere far away and un-christmasy. We did this for a few years and I think it was the best thing for us, we created new traditions, me, Lucy and dad made lots of very happy memories. When we were ready, we started spending Christmas at home again.
After dad died, Lucy and I decided we didn't want to go away, but we wanted to try and create a fusion of our old family traditions with new ones. There was a moment on that first Christmas, when everyone had gone home on Christmas Eve and it was just the two of us (and the dogs) that we both had a cry, but we have developed new traditions over the years and this has really helped us.
Here's my top tips to dealing with "the firsts"
Accept it will be tough and that it's OK for you to feel sad.
Try and plan something for the day, either with other family members or friends.
Don't let people force you into anything you don't want to do. People mean well, but sometimes it can feel overwhelming.
You can visit your loved ones resting place, maybe take some flowers.
Light a candle.
Share happy memories with family and friends.
Cook their favourite meal.
Whatever it is you do, make sure that everything is on your terms, feel what you need to and make sure you prioritise your needs.
I am not an expert on grief, so if you're feeling overwhelmed by feelings of grief, then please don't suffer alone, there are many places that can offer you help and advice, your local GP, The Good Grief Trust, Cruse Bereavement Care, or Widowed and Young.
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